Hi !!!! It’s been ever so long!
I’ve decided to re-code my website into something fresher for my eyes, something new, to restart my brain, perhaps my life. I’ve felt so .. unmotivated, to say the least. I’m almost done with high school and I’m so worn out, I think. I don’t know what it is, but it honestly feels like I’ve lost my sense of autonomy. I used to spend every second of my day writing up essays in my head. Now I just like.. sit here and sleep and eat. Lol… I haven’t made something I’ve liked in this entire year already. I need to get creating again. I think, somehow, my sense of self slipped away from me. To the point I don’t really feel like finding it again. My place in life feels rather hopeless to me. I am, however, trying to click myself into place, brick by brick. I feel so tired, I don’t feel like trying. But too bad!!!
Maybe it’s the unspecified drugs making me not feel very rewarded whenever I do anything anymore- it has been a year since I started using substances. I have noticed an increase in me not wanting to be sober..
I don’t really know how to make myself see the light in anything. It used to be easy-I used to convince myself there was no light for myself, like a hobby… but it’d be so easy for me to slip back into my comfortable space. Why would I do that, you ask. I Don’t know.. that’s why I started taking substances. I slowly built myself up, finally WANTING to see the light.. now here I am. I can’t find SHIT!! I’m still determined, it just makes me feel irritated.
I’m sure it comes with time. It’s a stressful part of the year, after all- I’ve never been at the end of my 15 years of school before… I’ve never been this close to moving out of my lifetime home before.. as excited as I am to get out of here, It’s just too much- perhaps my body is frozen. I’ve never . Been an adult before.
I’m scared that whatever I want is a waste of time. My body seems to discard its creative ideas before they’ve even been created. I don’t even know what I am waiting for. This is going to sound pathetic, but ever since I was broken up with I feel like I’ve been in waiting mode, wanting someone to fill up my space. I’ve done it with my friends, and I LOVE my friends, but it all goes too slow for me. I want someone I can carry in my heart all the time. Of course I carry all of my friends, but someone I can latch onto, spill my needs upon.. you know, that kinda deal. I dream of sharing my moments with someone a lot.
I know that I had it and I didn’t appreciate it for what it was. But that is the nature of live and learn so I’m not too torn up about it… it just. SUCKS. And I wonder if that will ever happen for me in the end. I feel too empty and unloveable, too awkward and frustrating, for me to be loved that way. That may be why my previous relationship didn’t work out- I wanted to convince myself that I wasn’t worthy of it and I should ruin it… of course I don’t want to be that type of person, I want to cherish all of my memories, all of my love, all of my happiness, and everything and everyone surrounding it. I just feel that insatiable urge, likely instilled in me as I was growing… I always forget that I didn’t have the best childhood, and quite literally paralyzed me every year before this one… it’s so frustrating to deal with the little me that wants everything sabotaged and ruined because I don’t deserve everything that makes me happy… what kind of deal is that, dude… why me man.
The memories don’t bother me anymore but it’s like I’m covered in glue and the shattered remnants of my tortured brain continue to stick. And they’re Stubborn. I think that I forgot how to live as a person. I look for all the logic in my movement and my thinking and I don’t let myself explore the lines anymore. I feel empty, but I want to work on it. I want to get out of my box but it’s like the box blocks off the further horizon, like I can’t get far even if I try. The worst of it all is that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to have a world inside my head, especially not one plagued with doubt.
I will keep trying, and trying. I want the best for myself, as my happiness is beneficial to the ones I love, and those around me. I want to lift everyone’s spirits up, I want to show hope and inspiration to you all-everyone is special, and I know this. I’m thankful and so blessed to have the opportunity to know you all, to even have grazed your existence. I want this to be a good meeting. I want this to inspire you to be your greatest self. I want to be my greatest self-as I admit that it’s a heavy journey, I hope that tells you- it’s possible. You are FULLY capeable of your dreams, you just need your will. You need to know why you want this. That is all. You are worthy. We are all worthy.
Okay, that did help me. I will definitely continue to make blogs in the future. I admit that a large deal of my struggle is forgetting that I am here, conscious, and capable. I worry that my stream of thought is not worth hearing, but this is my website, my space. I deserve to linger on the joys of my personal space. I am looking forward to today, and launching my website! ^_^